Something has come to my attention today about the past few years, regarding my inability to push people out of my life, even if they hurt me to a large extent.
I guess one of the reasons I feel this way is because I am an extremely empathetic person. I find that as someone who suffers from severe anxiety, my empathy and connection with other people grows stronger everyday. Living with intense fear and worry all the time means that I have the ability to understand intensly why other people are feeling the way they do.
In a way, I think that is a postive trait to have, because I find that I really don’t want to get into arguments or cause emotional pain to other people, because I know how it feels to feel hurt or upset. If someone is causing me to feel upset, all I want to do is for the situation to calm down, give them a hug and work through things together. I have so much love inside of me and that urges me to want to go into a career that helps other people through a variety of things. Everyone acts the way they do for a reason and sometimes having someone listen to you or give you a hug is a great help.
However, the issue about feeling this way is that anyone could use that as an advantage to themselves. They could hurt me and they would know that I would still always be there for them and want them in my life. There have been a variety of times when people have hurt me, and anyone else would push them out of their life, but that is something I feel unable to do. I am so empathetic and caring towards others that even saying something that may remotely hurt their feelings makes me want to start crying. ( I am a very sensitive and emotional person, if you had not already gathered that, haha!)
Both my mind and heart wants to be surrounded by great people. But neither know how to do that without accidentally also letting poisionus people in through the door. So much stuff has occurred in my life and that has made me so clingly to people who are in my life, due to fear and paranoia of them just abandoning me, like some people have. People that I care greatly about.
My apologies for this post of rambling, oops! This week has been a time where my anxiety has been sky high and I just wanted to get some of my thoughts out on my online journal aka my blog.
See you lovely human beings soon!