Guest post: Psychotic depression.

Today’s guest post is from the wonderful Eleanor who wants to share her experience, regarding Psychotic depression. She is an truly inspirational blogger and friend of mine , who like myself, wants to raise awareness of mental health….

Hello! First of all, thank you to Rhi for letting me write a guest post on her blog. Rhi has invited me to write a piece about mental health. I thought that I would write about write a little bit about my psychotic depression. Psychotic depression is a type of major depression that includes some form of psychosis. Sometimes it can be hallucinations, delusions or some other way of getting confused by reality. People with psychosis may hear ‘voices’ or they have have different ideas abut reality. I, personally, have been suffering from psychotic depression for a few years now. I was diagnosed with depression at age 15 and it has just got worse from there. I started to hear little voices in my head that told me that I just wasn’t good enough. They started to control my thoughts until it got to the point where they would have something to say about everything I do. For example, if I was to draw something, the voices would tell me that it wasn’t good enough and I would end up destroying the drawing. The voices in my head make everything harder. I struggle to wake up, sleep, look in the mirror, get dressed, cook a meal, attend social occasions and most other things that ‘normal’ people can do. At lot of the time, I have a ‘what’s the point?’ mentality. I feel like I will never accomplish anything because the voices just won’t let me. I struggle to focus on anything and my motivation is constantly low. If I can’t accomplish anything good then what’s the point of even being alive?! I couldn’t even get out of bed without the voices screaming hate at me. How am I meant to do anything good with my life? I feel suicidal occasionally. And by occasionally, I mean constantly! I would say that the only thing that keeps me from ending my life is the fact that I actually have no motivation to do it. Dogs are taking over my life. I see them in photos, on the road, in my house and just everywhere. Some of them are nice to me but others are savage and they want me dead. People tell me that they are in my head but I’m never sure. People tell me that I’m paranoid. I think that people are plotting to kill me but apparently they’re not. My psychotherapist tells me that people’s worlds don’t revolve around me but that’s hard for me to process. I think that people are following me when I walk down the street and I think that I’m being spied on. Apparently those things aren’t happening either. Sometimes I feel like the only thing that I’m motivated to do is to write my blog. That can be hard too though. It takes me such a long time to write each post because my words get confused and I start mixing up the letters. My life isn’t a complete waste though. I do some good things and I am proud of myself for still waking up everyday and just breathing. I want to just say quickly, if you also suffer from psychotic depression then you’re not alone. It affect about one out of every four people who are admitted to the hospital for depression.

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