In answer to this blog post’s title, I really do not know what is going on in my mind. The thing about living with mental health issues is that you can feel too much or too little. I feel like I am in limbo at the moment because I am overwhelmed by the many thoughts in my head, yet also feel so numb.
I know that I will not feel so low forever, but I am also aware that the issues which my anxiety and depression cause will linger in the shadows, preparing to make a reappearance, regardless of if life is going well or not so well for me. What is really scaring me is that the last time I felt this overwhelmed and disassociated from everything was when I had my major breakdown in July. It is difficult to think of a metaphor to describe what it is like to live with mental health disorders; I think I have thought of one though. You know when you jump into water and for just a moment, you feel suffocated and panicky? Well, that is how I feel on a daily basis. Somedays, these feelings do not occur so much. Some others days, I feel these emotions and thoughts throughout the whole of the 24 hours.
What I have also found over the past few months is that it has become more difficult for me to lie or avoid the conversation with other people about how I am actually feeling. Maybe that is because many of my loved ones now understand more fully the severity of my bad mental health, and therefore are more observant of the warning signs. Sometimes, I wish people did not know as that would mean that I would not have to face the reality; I am ill. However, being open about my mental allows me to attempt to help myself a bit, as well as helping others.I feel a bit of tension has lifted from my shoulders when I speak up. I know that everyone is trying to help and be a massive support network for myself, and for that, I am so appreciative for everything that those around me are doing for me. I just wish that I did not feel like this. That I did not always feel anxious and fearful about practically everything. Don’t get me wrong, I know what happiness feels like and regardless of being mentally ill, I always try to smile and make positive memories. However, on many occasions this can be a struggle if I am mentally having a really shitty day.
I know I need help, and even though I had avoided this route for a while, I am desperate to start my therapy so professionals can help me at any means possible (I shall be starting my therapy in the next few weeks, hopefully, but you have to take into account of how big this waiting list has been). I really do not know what is happening in that mind of mine, it has become more of an irritant as the week has gone on. I know it is okay to not be okay. If I didn’t believe this, I would not have gone to my GP 2 months ago, desperate for help with tears in my eyes, begging to help these horrible feelings stop or at least decrease a bit through the use of counselling or/and medication.
I apologise for this intense post, but one of the main reasons I began this blog was to share my experiences of mental health, as well as a way to share my thoughts with other people, without wanting to burst into tears every 5 seconds. I guess one of the reasons I tear up whenever my mental health is brought up is because I personally feel extremely damaged and am fearful of the reactions of other people about what I say.
Anyway, I hope these thoughts calm down at least a bit in the next few days. I hope you’re all doing okay.