This week has been a strange week for me, and I have been very up and down. Unfortunately, yesterday I had a severe breakdown; something which very much made me feel irritated at myself for because I thought I had done so well in improving my mental health over the past few months.
I am using this blog post to not only articulate how I am feeling, but also as a message that having a relapse does not mean you are a failure- We all struggle and it is okay to have upsetting days. When I have a breakdown/ relapse, I always beat myself up about what has happened because in my mind, I have come so far and having a breakdown means that I have gone backwards in my progress.
As I write this, it has been around 16 hours since my breakdown and is about 11am on a Friday morning. ( I thought I would write this morning as I have a busy afternoon planned.) I am drained and I feel rather crappy, but I also do not feel as awful as I did last night just after my breakdown. Last night, not only did I sit on my kitchen floor in tears because life is rather overwhelming at the moment, but also because I felt so angry at myself for being so anxious and upset. I do not feel so angry today. Rather anxious and depressed, but I am not angry at myself for breaking. Last night, I thought that no-one loved me and that my life was a mess. I also do not feel that way today, but instead realise that the reason I did feel like that is because my life has been extremely stressful lately and I am rather insecure at the moment, due to many changes in my life, including moving to Uni in September, as well as so much going on in my day to day life.
We are all trying to cope with life’s expectations and this can be 10x harder when you struggle with mental health issues. Like many people, I need to learn not to beat myself up when I relapse and have a breakdown. The one thing I am proud of myself for this time, compared to back in July, is that I actually talked this time and I didn’t allow myself to become so isolated. I believe that is progress. Yes, I still have a large amount of things to work on, but compared to last year, I am doing much better.
Recovery is not linear, and that is the unfortunate fact about it. However, through all the tears, breakdowns and stress that mental illness brings, you can fully recover. Even when you fully recover, you can still relapse, but even if you relapse, you still have more understanding of your mental health and how to cope effectively in the future, compared to past situations.
I am so proud of how much I have progressed over the past few months, and all of you should also be proud of everything you have achieved. We may fall once in a while, but we get back up stronger. I still have a long road ahead of me, but I am doing well. Never see yourself as a failure for relapsing, you will achieve your goals and ambitions in time, even if you feel overwhelmed and confused sometimes. I may have to cope with anxiety and depression for the rest of my life, but everyday I learn more about myself and further learn to love myself and who I am!
Right, i am off to have a nice hot chocolate and a biscuit…
Love yourselves and remember; you will have bad days, but you will also have many more good ones!!
Sending you all love,